Tag Archives: anxiety

Breaking My Own Rules

Hiya All,

Grab a tea, coffee or flavoured water, this one is a bit of a lengthy one.

This post is more of a personal one, it serves as a bit of a life update and why the posting schedule died over the last week and a half. In summary, I suppose you could say my life is now taking a different direction. For privacy reasons, I won’t be going into detail. However, plans have changed and rules have been broken. From a financial standpoint, I’ve gone backwards. From a personal development perspective, I’ve moved forward (I think, I hope… I have).

Mental Health. Although this isn’t a topic on my blog that I commonly discuss, it is something I am very much passionate about. An important note: I’ve taught myself to change the labels on what I deal with day-to-day. I can have anxious moments. I am a bit of a planner (in case the content didn’t give it away). I was 20 when I decided  (well, sort of was very encouraged) to look more into this, I got some professional help, both from talking to someone and seeing a doctor to ensure it wasn’t any sort of imbalance that needed medicating. Good news, it wasn’t. I was told I had mild anxiety and insomnia. This is the only time you will see me type those words. The label was good to hear at the time, it made sense of how I was feeling. However, I do not let if define me. It is not who I am. At the rate that my generation is going, almost all of us seem to be on some sort of mental health spectrum.

Some days, it’s a bit of social anxiousness I suppose… the earliest memory of this is at school. I can’t remember the exact activity, but I still remember the feeling. Let’s use writing things on the whiteboard for an example. I would watch every person, analyse how they walked, turned, how the placed themselves, how long they took… so I could mimic. I didn’t want to do anything differently, I don’t know if this was a fear of judgement or just a want to fit in. I never really wanted to be known as the kid who stood out. In the moment of anticipation of needing to go up, my chest got heavy, my heart rate increased and I was definitely sweating a lot more. Little insight, my brother appears to be the exact opposite (very confident, very outgoing, loves to stand out for the right reasons). If you ever read this, so incredibly proud of you.. despite this coming across as jealously most of the time.

It’s funny how this still affects me adult life though. I think I’m often seen as quite outgoing and introverted as an adult (if not loud, cocky and annoying to those who spend the most time with me). I’m happy to talk to strangers, and I guess I can come across as quite confident. Then at the strangest of times, this social anxiousness seems to come out. It’ll be not knowing how to greet someone in the halls at work, or not knowing how to bring up a question with someone. At the gym, I’ll shy away from some exercises if people are around. If I’m going into a social event where I don’t know people well, I’ll freeze up, not even knowing how to walk in.

Now this leads me to the bit I don’t like dealing with, the constant worrying, the wanting to chill out but honestly having no idea how. The not being able to sleep for hours because I can’t stop thinking about the smallest thing. I then notice what’s physically going on with my body and just worry more, and then because I worry about worrying, my body releases too much Cortisol (stress hormone) and keeps doing the things I’m worried about. Sorry mum for trying to self-diagnose all these years, just didn’t want to admit that it was my own head doing it. Admittedly, I get told ‘don’t worry’, and I just clench my fists. If I could just instantly stop my brain from being on overdrive, I would, duh. In the beginning, goal setting and budgeting is helpful. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s a written down plan, out of my head. Without even noticing, it switches and becomes obsessive and ultimately the pressure I put on myself becomes worse. My brain switches through several different categories of my life, where I over think and then try plan out. Money, work, relationships (both romantic and friendships). Then, I add in my ‘two week commitment’ that I’m currently obsessing over. Currently, it’s gym. Sometimes it’s working on the house, other times it’s wanting to study again. As of last week, I was stressing about this blog and that I hadn’t posted.

I’m in a bit of a rut. This worry has hit a peak. I am a drama queen and felt like most aspects of my life were falling apart (definitely not the case, but my own over thinking had led me to this conclusion. I am in fact very blessed to have all that I do in this life and no real issues.). I tend to just lose grip on reality for some unknown reason.

So despite knowing I do choose to live intentionally, and that I do have interests in nutrition, personal finance, mental health, goal setting and minimalism. I don’t know much more. I don’t really know myself at all. At 22, perhaps I’m not supposed to know myself. I have friends that are travelling the world, getting married, having kids, building dream homes and killing careers. Sure, I’ve certainly done things, but I don’t think any of these were life defining or pivotal moments. I’m reverting to what I always did, fitting in and staying below the radar.

Anyone who knows me, knows that all I wanted was a young family, that white picket fence life. Anyone who knows reality, understands that’s not something that is just simply forced or attained (like a degree, or ticking off a goal). With that being said, I’ve tried my best to just taken life as it has come and tried to build a life that I appreciate, for myself.

So this sort of leads me to what I wanted to get across in this post. I’ve had to change my life’s plans, I’ve had to change the goals that lead up to them. Instead of admitting defeat, I’ve tried to replace this ‘vacant’ time with other meaningful things and not considered it as time just passed trying to get to point X.

However, it is time… time to start to piece together who I am a little more. For this reason, I spontaneously booked my first overseas trip a few days ago. I leave in three weeks or so. Am I scared, absolutely.  Have I now lost sleep because I don’t even know where to go in an international airport, yes. Do I think this might help with how I’m feeling in the long run, yes. And that’s why I have broken rules.

Yes, I had planned for this, I got a passport. I had an idea of a destination. I kept putting it off because I felt like I couldn’t do this whilst trying to work on my debts. So I did the naughty thing, and put it on my credit card. It was still a calculated decision, as I know I can pay this back by the 15th of May, and have now set a goal to.

I broke my financial rules. The payoff is that I can prove to myself that I am confident, I can take risks, I can deviate from my plan and enjoy life. Perhaps these are mantras in the lead up. I do believe you are what you say you are though.

There’s the little life update. I do apologise for my absence. Or I’ve disappointed any of the die-hard Dave Ramesey fans… I am a believer in gut feeling decisions and this felt like the right decision for me. There are exciting things to come for this Baby Sloth! Content won’t be differing too much from the norm, however if you’ve enjoyed this post, and would like more content on mental health and my own journey, please feel free to say so (comment, email, Facebook Message, etc.). I’ve said from the start with this blog, I want to help people. I’d like to do another post on discussing mental health when high functioning, because unless I speak up or snap, most people can’t tell what level of anxiousness I am feeling. Hint: one of these is healthier than the others. I think I’d even like to do an advice to my younger self post.

I’m sitting here in a predicament about even to post this. If I do, do I share it on the Facebook page and open myself up potentially to friends and family? Will they feel like I’ve exposed too much of myself to the internet? Will people see me differently? Is my mother going to call me and demand I take this down? I think for the purposes of a life renovation, transparency is somewhat key. I always wanted my posts to be realistic. If this decides to go out, thank you for being so understanding and withholding judgement. In a strange way, I suppose this is just another puzzle piece to who I am. In any form of online presence, you only see what the creator wants you to. I don’t know if I forever want to be seen as budgets, goals and decluttering. 

Much Love,
Baby Sloth xx